I think I offend people when I say I don't want children right now. That, or people think I'm kidding. When asked why, I respond with the uncreative, simple, "Now is not the right time" that ellicits the same responses: "There's never a right time" and "You'll never have enough money."
But let me be honest and real with you for a moment. I never said I didn't want children (and if I did that would be my husband and my choice) I just said not right now. I adore my husband's godson, my stepbrother's twin daughters and all of my friend's kids as if they were my own nieces and nephews. I gush when I hear my husband say things like, "When we have kids" or when he holds a baby and smiles. I also see panic streak across his face when his godson cries. His arms jut out with the baby toward me and says, "What did I do?" and "What does he want?" as if I have all the answers. That's when sympathy washes over me and I think if I can help it, why not save him from going gray quicker by waiting on parenthood a little longer.
If there is one sure thing I have known I want in my future is to be a mom. Children are an incredible miracle and a blessing. Forgive me for wanting to be selfish right now. I want to overindulge. I want to buy things for myself and go places and not feel guilty, stay up late (because I want to) and sleep in if I feel like it.
Don't get me wrong, when friends announce a pregnancy I'm thrilled for them. It gets my imagination running with thoughts of what I'll look like pregnant and will our baby inherit more of my personality or Nick's, etc. etc. etc.?
No matter what Nick and I say or do, the bets of when we'll announce a pregnancy continue. If I say to my mom, "I don't feel well" she'll still look at me with glee and reply, "Nick is going to be so excited!" as if every hiccup means I'll make her a new grandma.
I guess my point is I don't despise your children. I don't think becoming a parent is this horrendous life sentence. I am actually in awe of parenthood and all its challenges, rewards and more. It is a privilege; one that (unless life throws me a little curve ball) I'm just not ready to accept right now.
© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved
