Show me the money, honey.

I am an avid reader. I love to read just about anything I can get my hands on. One of my guilty pleasures is advice articles. You know the ones, "How to make one million dollars"..."Retire by the time you're 50"..."Success secrets of Forbes most successful women." I can't help it. So of course, through my diet of all things how to, I came across all these opinions on marriage money habits. And naturally the opinions ran the gamut from should a couple have combined checking, separate savings; separate checking, combined savings; combined checking, combined savings; separate everything and everything in between. I saw the pros and cons to each, but I've always known that with my saving personality and my husband's spender with a saving if he really wants/needs something personality we'd have to come up with our own hybrid.

So we started with a combined checking, bonus checking and a few diversified savings account. Nick and I would be responsible for our own bills (ex: student loans) and each contribute to the household and savings. It worked for a while, but the more we talked the more it still felt like his money/my money. I felt like we were working toward the same goals, but we were still on different pages.

Some people might say, okay so what's the big deal combine all your accounts and call it a day. Well my counter to that is you don't me all that well. I like to go out to eat on occasion, but I defy most female stereotypes and avoid shopping frequently if at all (outside of grocery shopping - big change from how I was about a year ago). I love to shop sales and "get high" on scoring a great deal. I'm the woman my father-in-law swears has the first dollar she ever earned. It's possible. I have had a savings account for as long as I can remember. So needless to say, it terrified Nick to relinquish all financial control to muah. We're pretty open with our spending habits with one another, but I think it was/is still a scary concept.

We have big plans for the future, one of which is paying down the vast majority of student loan debt by our 30th birthdays. In order to do that, we need to get serious about spending and saving. Thus, Nick realized it was time to take the plunge. With shaking hands and a near bout of hyperventilation, along with some nagging coaxing bribery encouragement from me, he finally saw the light.

Our hybrid plan is now in the works. I'll oversee our main checking account with all of auto-payments etc. and Nick would keep a checking account open with money for gifts (so he can still surprise me from time to time without me saying why did you spend $$$ at XYZ Florist yesterday - lol) as well as cash access to go to movies with friends, get lunch from time to time, etc. Basically, smaller it's no big deal/hobby purchases. We can still see what is being spent, saved and more by channeling all of our accounts into a free online budgeting tool. This will give me more freedom to make an extra mortgage payment or student loan payment here and there or transfer some additional funds into savings.

I should have prefaced this by saying this has taken full affect just yet. We're only into one pay period under our new plan of action. Please don't think I'm a control freak, I'm just good with money. Sometimes maybe a little too much of tightwad, but at least I own up to it. I look forward to keeping you posted on how this goes. Hey I like to think no matter what, it's worth a shot!

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved  

Striving for perfection.

Nick and I attended the wedding of a couple we've known since they first started dating. It was a beautiful day with just enough breeze. An ideal setting for an outdoor ceremony. One of my favorite parts of a wedding ceremony are the vows. It's a great surprise for me. Will they be traditional, modern, recite their own?

This couple decided to write their own (which is my favorite!). They both had beautiful things to say about one another, but one portion of the bride's vows stuck with me. (Please allow me to paraphrase) She had said that in the beginning of their relationship she was trying to be this perfect version of herself. She explained that she was afraid to let her imperfections show as if those imperfections may be the downfall of their budding relationship. She went on to say that when she slowly let her guard down and allowed the "real" version of herself to shine through she was surprised to find her then boyfriend was willing to stay. She thanked him for accepting all versions of her and promised to take him in all forms as well.

It was beautiful.

It made me think, how many times have I sugarcoated my feelings, my wants or needs? I was guilty of trying to be perfect, too. Trying to figure things out on my own. Negligent of the fact that we are a team working toward the same goals in life. I had a partner there to support me.

I think oftentimes, many of us try to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. That's what's so wonderful about finding the right person no matter if you're dating or have been married 60 years. They let you be yourself. The right person takes you in all forms - the good, the bad, the ugly. They know when you're really mad you cry. They know you come with a past and possibly baggage. But they love you just the same. Yes, of course, you evolve and grow as a couple, but you shouldn't try to change someone nor should you change yourself for anyone.

Nick said something to me a few weeks ago that I feel relates to the perfect vs. imperfect struggle. He told me that loving someone when things are good is easy. It's when you're upset, arguing or things aren't going in the right direction that measures the strength of that love. And he's right. It's about loving the whole person.

Thank you to these newlyweds and to my husband for reminding me that it's okay to just be me.

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved

Earth to my husband, do you copy?

The smile and nod. That's my trick. I've had that one up my sleeve for years. That's an unfortunate one for my husband.

So we were at Menards for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks (I'll keep you posted on what we've been working on soon). As we're passing through a section heading to the paint department, I started talking about a rehab  project for our laundry room. I'm talking away, "Laundry room blah blah blah." <Nods in agreement.> "New countertop for folding blah blah. <Uh-huh in response> The paint color will be so nice, blah blah blah. <More nods and mmm-hmms.> "So do you think that will work?"

Deer in the headlights. Blinks. Mouth drops open. Seconds pass and finally with a sigh he looks at me and says, "I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I was thinking about what we need to get next."

All right. One free pass. So I start again, "Laundry room blah blah blah." <Yeah, he responds.> "New countertop for folding blah blah. <Nods yes> The paint color will be so nice, blah blah blah. <Nods again> "So do you think that will work?"

Blank stare. Even more time passes, "I did it again." I wanted to be mad. He wasn't listening to me. I know I talk a lot, but c'mon at least I was talking about building supplies and paint in Menards. They're totally related! But all I could do was laugh. His face was just too priceless.

Busted! He got a free pass with this incident, but now I'm on to him. From now on, regardless if I'm talking about non-essential to vital, I'll be sure to throw out something random like, "I'm quitting my job and taking up beat boxing" or "We're joining a cult and you have to marry the dog."


Have you caught your significant other doing something that you couldn't help but crack up at?

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved

Beg to differ

 I love running across articles that dissect marriage. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's interesting to read what people deem the secret to a successful marriage; sometimes you even pick up a few tips along the way.

Ever the opinionated woman, oftentimes I run across an article that just rubs me the wrong way. As I preface an example of such an article, let me say this, I understand the premise of the following article. Marriage is not for everyone; it's not easy all the time and there are days where it is nothing but a pain in the butt. Sometimes I drive my husband crazy and vice versa. Not everyone has a desire for titles. Some people feel a verbal commitment is more than enough.

I respect this writer's opinions. People are entitled to their opinions and their First Amendment Rights. However, if you're going to go to the trouble to create a list of why people should NOT get married (whether you're trying to be clever or not) at least stay true to your title, "15 Very Good Reasons to NEVER Get Married."

Here is why I beg to differ on nearly all points.

1) Despite what everyone else says, you LOVE the single life. 
Number 1 there's not too much to say here. Some people love relationships, others prefer the single life. I'm okay with that. I would never say someone should be in a relationship. The writer gets a free pass on this one. Read on.
2) You know you'll have to share both the ice cream and the television remote.
Wow, someone's selfish. So sometimes you end up watching something you're not crazy about. We have one TV in our house and believe me there are days when Lifetime (sorry to be stereotypical here) is calling my name not Sons of Guns or something about a zombie apocalypse. But the beauty of it? We get to share in each other's interests, it livens up the conversation and I learned that Nick doesn't mind watching Army Wives with me. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die, if someone has two scoops of my favorite Rocky Road.
3) You'll have to boot Pablo the Pool Boy. 
Depends how far you want to read into this one. Nick and I have commented on the looks of members of the opposite sex and the same sex for that matter (hello, celebrity man crush/girl crush). To us, there's nothing wrong with appreciating others. But would you find us drooling over someone else, never. If Pablo the Pool Boy is your fantasy you can take the fantasy, not Pablo into the bedroom. 
4) You like to sleep across the whole bed. 
Sometimes, it's great to sprawl out across the entire length of a king-size bed. Sometimes, it's nice not to have someone roll over in their sleep and smack you square in the nose. But there's something about waking up from a terrible dream and being able to cuddle up to someone who makes it all better. Nothing funnier than being woken up by your significant other not only talking in their sleep, but talking in their sleep in a British accent (true story). 
5) You can't stand sharing your space, especially when you know that with marriage comes dude stuff - like that awful Bud Light sign. 
Dude stuff really? I'll be the first to admit, I question Nick's sense of style from time to time (Ie: No love, a blue bathroom does not coordinate with a cream, brown and green bedroom.) Yea, it would be easier to make a decision solo, but compromising isn't the end of the world either. So find a place that Bud Light sign will make both of you happy - the garage, a man cave, the basement.
6) You know that colonies of dirty socks will follow you everywhere you go the moment you let a guy move in. 
It happens. Dirty clothes are on the floor. It bothers me some days more than others. But on the days where it really, really irks me, I have to remember I'm notorious of leaving stuff lying around sometimes too. Before you let a pet peeve drive you crazy, think about what you may do that sets some people off.
7) You'd rather be able to break it off and move on without having to involve the courts. 
Divorce is expensive, even if it's a mutual agreement. It would be easy to say don't get divorced or don't marry someone you think you would divorce. That wouldn't be fair on my part. People change, things change, life happens.
8) Your toilet seat will NEVER be the same. 
Yea, yea, yea. My salvation - a puppy who drinks out of the toilet. Now it's required for our toilet seat to always be down. I got lucky with this one. Aiming, let's not go there.
9) You don't want to have to answer to anyone - you can come and go as you please. 
This is true, yes. You have complete freedom and independence, but I'm not handcuffed to my husband and I hope he doesn't consider me the old ball and chain. We bounce ideas off one another, we discuss and decide together. Usually in the end, a better idea comes out of it.
10) Marriage = one person for the rest of your life. One person for the rest of your life = BORING. 
This one cracks me up. That's such a cliche reason. It's only boring if you let it be. Don't be routine, get out of your comfort zone, use your imagination...seriously.
11) Marriage is expensive. So is divorce. You'd rather take the cash and travel around Europe for three years. 
I'd rather share the experience with someone. Just because I'm married it doesn't limit my dreams. I get to share my dreams, my goals and my life with someone.
12) Your main priority is climbing that corporate ladder and making yourself a success in your career.
You can have a great marriage and a great career. I've heard this one way too many times. Find someone who wants success, too or is happy to support your climb to the top. Unless you're the type who plans to sleep your way to the top (which usually ends badly), this should not hinder a healthy marriage.
13) Getting a break on your taxes and car insurance, despite what they say, isn't a reason to settle down. 
Agreed. A marriage is so much more than that. The same is true for having kids as a tax break.
14) Marriage is an antiquated tradition, much like not allowing women to vote. Why bother with an institution that fails half the time? 
I'm not the type to walk into anything and already plan to fail. It may be difficult to ignore statistics, but if you love someone and want to commit to one another through marriage then you shouldn't let that stand in your way.

15) You know that marriage = compromise. You don't feel that you need to compromise everything to be with someone else. 
I've used the word compromise a few times in my explanations. Not every little thing has to be a compromise. That's just a generality. 

I would never push marriage on someone. This is a decision Nick and I made together, eyes wide open. If you don't want to ever get married, honestly, you don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your choice and you have that right. But if you want to argue the topic with me, don't say you have 15 VERY good reasons and then talk about not wanting to share a pint of ice cream.

Ranting done.

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved  

Don't take it personal.

I think I offend people when I say I don't want children right now. That, or people think I'm kidding. When asked why, I respond with the uncreative, simple, "Now is not the right time" that ellicits the same responses: "There's never a right time" and "You'll never have enough money."

But let me be honest and real with you for a moment. I never said I didn't want children (and if I did that would be my husband and my choice) I just said not right now. I adore my husband's godson, my stepbrother's twin daughters and all of my friend's kids as if they were my own nieces and nephews. I gush when I hear my husband say things like, "When we have kids" or when he holds a baby and smiles. I also see panic streak across his face when his godson cries. His arms jut out with the baby toward me and says, "What did I do?" and "What does he want?" as if I have all the answers. That's when sympathy washes over me and I think if I can help it, why not save him from going gray quicker by waiting on parenthood a little longer.

If there is one sure thing I have known I want in my future is to be a mom. Children are an incredible miracle and a blessing. Forgive me for wanting to be selfish right now. I want to overindulge. I want to buy things for myself and go places and not feel guilty, stay up late (because I want to) and sleep in if I feel like it.

Don't get me wrong, when friends announce a pregnancy I'm thrilled for them. It gets my imagination running with thoughts of what I'll look like pregnant and will our baby inherit more of my personality or Nick's, etc. etc. etc.?

No matter what Nick and I say or do, the bets of when we'll announce a pregnancy continue. If I say to my mom, "I don't feel well" she'll still look at me with glee and reply, "Nick is going to be so excited!" as if every hiccup means I'll make her a new grandma.

I guess my point is I don't despise your children. I don't think becoming a parent is this horrendous life sentence. I am actually in awe of parenthood and all its challenges, rewards and more. It is a privilege; one that (unless life throws me a little curve ball) I'm just not ready to accept right now.

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved

Free birth control.

Something has come between my husband and I.

Two months ago, when my husband was lax on shaving a couple days a co-worker asked Nick why he didn't just grow a beard. Nick thought about it and said, "Hey why not?" Not realizing there can be too much of a good thing, the same co-worker came back with why not grow your beard until Christmas? Encouraged by the incentive of $20, Nick thought about it (or at least I'm hoping) and said again, "Hey why not?"

Time went on and his beard of course grew...and grew...and grew. More co-workers began cheering Nick on. Then his boss approached him. Although they have a great relationship, he was afraid what his boss might have to say. I thought FINALLY a reason he'll HAVE to shave and he won't be out $20 if his boss makes him remove the feline growing on his face. No...such...luck. His boss threw in an extra $25 to see if he'd go through with it.

Most of you would say $45 are you kidding me? My best friend even offered to give him $50 to shave if I didn't like it. And to tell you the truth, he's probably kept it so long in part because of me. See, when this bet began I was encouraging it, too. I would say he can't lose! It was the principal of the matter! Be competitive!

I'm eating my words.

Not only is his beard thick, it's a deep auburn, highlighting his Irish ancestry. If he straightened it, I'm positive it would be nearing 2 inches long. We've gone through more shampoo and conditioner in these two months than we have probably in a year of marriage. So at least I can say it's clean. He know can't leave the house without a comb, which have gone through the washer at least half a dozen times. When he lost his third comb in a week I had to give up my teasing comb so his beard could remain just so.

I have not been able to properly kiss my husband since the end of summer. We have resorted to a quick familial peck on the lips. Any more than that and I'm combating a losing battle with whiskers. With kissing the gateway to other things, let's just say his beard has now become the gatekeeper.

But it gets better. While his beard grows to epic proportions, Nick discovered he needs to train it to grow a certain way. We began a hunt for mustache wax. Yes, there is such a thing. The moment he began curling the ends into a handlebar mustache I almost lost it.

There's two more months to go. I ask myself if I can handle being married to Tom Hank's character, Chuck Noland in Castaway? Hmm, anyone want to join my petition and collection?

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved 

I'm back!

I have to admit. I took a little hiatus from blogging. It's not to say that my husband and/or my marriage weren't giving me enough material, but honestly things were getting kind of real. I began walking this line asking myself, how much do want to tell on your blog? What's appropriate? Do people really care? Do I just sound like a nagging, cranky wife? It was a little terrifying.

We have been married for more than a year (amazing, still can't believe it) and we still don't have this thing figured out. I'm not entirely surprised. Relationships are a lot of continuous work.

After some serious thought and a much needed break I've decided, I want my blog to be real, not some hoaky blog full of embellishments and fabrication. 

So I'm back, ready to write as I originally envisioned. The ups, the downs and everything in between.

Enjoy!

© Nichole DeMario, 2010 – 2012. All rights reserved